Here’s your quick and tasty guide to eating less meat to save the planet without eating food that tastes like crap. I promise.
Yeah. You have the LED light bulbs, and recycle stuff, and maybe even drive an electric car. But you know what? The most impactful thing you can do for the environment is to eat less meat. Look it up. Maybe you know already, but the thought of going meatless seems like a life without joy. Keep reading.
Here’s the first good news, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Just eat less meat, and feel like you’re helping, because you totally are. But still, let’s be real, how long can you eat food that makes you sad? For most of us, there’s no happiness in eating a rice bowl full of stir-fried bell peppers and water chestnuts for lunch or a slab of poorly-marinated tofu on a nine-grain bun for dinner. Maybe once, maybe twice, and then probably not again until enough time passes that you start to forget you hate that stuff.
But even if you’re a wannabe climate superstar, willing to eat all manners of cardboardy food awfulness to keep the planet cool, these unappealing yuck bowls and crumbling, dried-out, ick-burgers are not the easiest thing to even find on the go. I hear you. Working hard to eat food you don’t even want is kinda not happening because you don’t have time for that.
I’m here to help you out, my friend.
I’ve tried most of the nasty meatless food options out there, and found the winners below. You can actually skip the meat and have a satisfying lunch that doesn’t taste like misery, and still pack in enough protein to keep yourself moving. If you want an occasional double double Animal style because you gotta have it, I’m not going to judge. But when you’re feeling your inner Greta Thunberg asking you to step up, here’s what to eat, on the go, at home, or in a nice restaurant.
Burgers
Okay, the first thing to know about veggie burgers is that they come in two categories: fake meat made from plants, and veggies smashed together in the shape of a burger that doesn’t even pretend to taste like meat. There are winners and losers in both categories. Mostly losers.
Winner: Impossible Burger (best fake meat made from plants)
Impossible Burger is awesome and it looks and tastes tastes pretty much exactly like real hamburger. You cook it the same way as real ground beef, and it’s juicy and totally satisfying. It’s a great hamburger. But just like real ground beef, it can be overcooked, under-seasoned, topped with an under-ripe tomato, etc. If you get a bad Impossible Burger at the ball park, blame the ball park. It’s a great product, available all over town including in many high end restaurants. It’s delicious and highly-satisfying when prepared by capable hands belonging to a person who cares what your food tastes like.
Burger King has the Impossible Whopper. If Burger King is your thing, the Impossible Whopper is the meal for you. But you’ll love it even more in a nice restaurant.
You can buy Impossible Burger to cook at home at most grocery stores, including Safeway. Fire up the BBQ, mix in some garlic salt, pepper, whatever. If you already can make a decent hamburger, there’s nothing new to do here that you’re not already doing. The very best impossible meal at home is impossible tacos. Mix in that same packet of taco seasoning your mom used back in the day, pile on the shredded cheese and whatnot, maybe a little Pace Picante Sauce, and your only problemo will be deciding if it goes on Meatless Monday or Taco Tuesday.
Loser: Beyond Beef
Beyond Beef is beyond disgusting. I know several people who prefer it, but those people all seem to be vegans, and are the same people who will offer you a homemade cookie they swear tastes like the real thing but was made with applesauce. I appreciate vegans very much, but always say “thank you, but I’m so full. Maybe next time.” We say stuff like that in the Pacific Northwest. It means I don’t want to eat your vegan hockey puck but I still want to be your friend.
Carl’s Jr. has Beyond Beef. McDonald’s is about to add it. Avoid.
Winner: Killer Burger Vegan Patty
If you don’t live in PDX, you’re not getting a Killer Burger in your area anytime soon. But if you do live in PDX, you should know that every Killer Burger on the menu can be made with a vegan patty. And theirs is the best one I’ve found. It’s not trying to replicate the look or taste of a hamburger. It’s mashed up beans n’ stuff that is actually tasty and filling. I get the “Bender” which is Spicy BBQ, Crispy Jalapeño, House Sauce, Grilled Onion & Cheddar. It packs a punch. Wash it down with an icy-cold IPA. Your life will be perfect.
Corn Dogs
This is my go-to, easy-peasy, meatless, throw it in the toaster oven lunch with 100% no downside versus the real thing. There are many brands to choose from, but don’t bother. There is one clear winner, indistinguishable from the real deal.
Winner: Morningstar Farms Meatless Corn Dogs
I still can’t eat one of these without marveling at their perfection. Relive your childhood with a hefty squirt of French’s yellow mustard, toss a handful of Lay’s potato chips on your paper plate, and watch cartoons. Or wash it down with a Manhattan. It’s your call. There is literally no reason to ever eat the cow one when this one tastes exactly the same.
Chicken Nuggets
There are many good enough and a few great chicken nugget options available in the freezer section of your supermarket, all of which you can quickly turn into a sweaty yuck ball if you microwave it. Do not microwave a meatless chicken nugget, ever. That the whole thing. You need to put them in the oven or toaster oven.
Winner: Morningstar Farms CHIK’N nuggets
There’s nothing that makes me love a product or store more than a cheesy made up misspelling of an existing word. Except Rite-Aid. Rite-Aid is kind of a train wreck. But those lovely people at Morningstar Farms pretty much nailed the fake chicken thing. Cook them up in your toaster oven or real oven, and it’s worth repeating, not the microwave, and you’ll be rewarded with delicious chickeny meat-free goodness. Dip those guys in Sweet Baby Ray’s Award Winning BBQ Sauce, or some other less delicious BBQ sauce you bought because you didn’t know better. Pair with rosemary fries and a Dr. Pepper. Now you’re living large!
How do these compare to the real thing? Bite into one and take a peek inside. It looks more like chicken than a McNugget does. I’m not kidding. But less like chicken than Chick-fil-A, I’m not gonna lie.
Egg Rolls
You can go very, very, wrong with veggie egg rolls. Walk into any grocery store’s frozen food aisle and prepare to be fooled by the beautiful pictures on high end frozen food boxes. “Ooh, these look good!” No, they are not. I’ve choked down many horrific veggie egg rolls and I’m trying to save you from that. There are only two winners, and I can’t remember the name of the one from Costco. So here’s the right answer:
Winner: Trader Joe’s Vegetable Spring Rolls
Some genius at Trader Joe’s managed to take every terrible vegetable I’m suspicious of, mix them together with tofu, and stuff them into a egg roll that somehow tastes awesome anyway. Totally awesome. Unlike crappier egg rolls, they do not fall apart when you pick them up for dipping. And you need to dip them into Trader Joe’s Sweet Chili Sauce, but if you prefer to dip them in soy or teriyaki sauce I’m not going to stop you. These tasty and satisfying egg rolls come five in a box, which is annoying because I only want four and then I’m left with one egg roll which isn’t even enough for a snack. I can overlook this. Toss them in the toaster oven, not the microwave, although if you do microwave them they won’t be quite as tragic as the nuggets.
Taco Bell
My love of Taco Bell is legendary, and I’m happy to report that the legend keeps on legending without meat. Everything on the menu that defaults to having beef in it is still great if you ask them to substitute refried beans, or black beans if you prefer the less delicious kind of beans, which black beans are. I declare the crunchwraps to be the winners of the Taco Bell food group, which is a highly-competitive category.
Winner: “I’d like a Sausage Crunchwrap minus the Sausage but can you add refried beans instead?”
Formerly known as the “AM Crunchwrap,” the star of Taco Bell’s breakfast menu is the “breakfast crunchwrap.” The sausage one has southwest sauce, which is pretty great unless they put too much in it. So ask for that one, without sausage, with your choice of beans. There’s eggs and potatoes in there which makes it delicious. There is no better fast food breakfast. I’m looking at you, McGriddle. Why do you even exist?
You will not be disappointed with the crunchwrap at 9 out of 10 Taco Bells, but there’s always that one Taco Bell where the food just isn’t as good, so don’t go to that one. At some point in the day, I think they stop offering the breakfast crunchwraps because they’re done with doing eggs. If that should happen, do not lose your cool. Just ask for the crunchwrap supreme, minus the beef, plus beans. You don’t get any eggs, potatoes, or southwest sauce. Quit your crying. It’s Taco Bell and, as such, you’ll be fine.
This is where I stop for now. I’ve got more for you, later. If you are able to slip a few of these foods into your routine instead of meat, let me know. Because I’d like to say “well done, you” and hear how it went.
